First, I have made some changes to the blog. What do you think?
It is hard to imagine that in less than three weeks I will be heading back to Vermont. I feel like I’m halfway through one of those tubular things that kids play in and I cannot wait to get to the other side. I’m looking forward to seeing my classmates and friends and refilling the well.
I still have the same gut reactions to things. When I received the collection of workshop pieces and scanned through them, I still wondered how I could be among such talented writers. In as much as I moved forward in feeling better about my writing (and hopefully have gotten marginally better at the craft), I still fell a little bit like an imposter.
Will I ever get over that feeling?
I ponder if writer’s or any artist every do.
More than ever now I know what I want. It is one thing to know what it is you desire, it is another to believe in oneself enough to go after it. It is also believing in having the right in going and getting it. I keep thinking of that line from Wicked in which Elphaba sings:
“Something has changed within me.
Something is not the same.
I through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game.”
I tell this story often. How two years ago I finished a course on Spiritual Direction which was supposed to be a training course in helping others find their own spiritual truths. It was actually about me finding my own. You will also recall, that the day after I finished that course, I flew to Banff where I met Alan and well, I guess we know what happened next.
I still marvel how that all happened. The moment I decided that I wanted to be a writer, the rest of pieces began to fall into place.
Well, most of them. There are still parts of my life that don’t make sense. They still pull my energies in a different direction than what I want and in some cases they challenge me to keep the focus and stay positive.
I don’t always succeed here.
I keep trying to figure out ways to make the change, but, the how hasn’t been clear to me yet. I guess those pieces haven’t fallen into place yet.
What I do know, is that I cannot go back to false dreams or fights that are not my own. I keep listening to “21 Guns” by Green Day on loop.
How many of us spend time focusing on things that don’t serve our best interest? How do we stay connected to our inner compass?
Things that I’m trying to do (and sometimes succeed in):
- Write every day
- Meditation. Either just sitting and listening to my breath or being guided in a meditation by one of my CDs.
- Yoga in the mornings. This I was doing quite well for a while, but, I lost the rhythm of it. Time to find it again.
- Walking to and from work. Half way anyway. This is essential for me to not only clear my mind, but, I find that I sometimes get my bouts of inspiration while walking. This week, for a moment, I felt such joy and lightness while walking. I was a walking smile.
- Feeding and nurturing the body. I’ve just finished a one-month cleanse where the focus was not eating wheat or sugar. I had pushed my body to its limit this past semester and it presented itself with fatigue and a inflamed my rotator cuff. Learning to pace myself is key. This will be my goal in the second semester.
- Play more. Laugh more. Must do this more. I didn’t play enough this past semester. So worried about being perfect that I forgot the joy of making a mistake and learning from it. (My perfectionist cringes at this idea.)
- Move in my natural rhythm.
- Surround myself with people that nurture me as opposed to taking my energy. This cannot always happen, but, I think that there is a way for us to approach situations that don’t serve us in new ways. Find new tools to help us through those situations.
Even if I don’t always do these things, I am consoled by these immortal words:
Next month, I will be discussing more boy book crush ideas for Down the Rabbit Hole to celebrate Amber’s YA Bachelor Month. I have a widget on the right hand side linking to the initiative. I hope that you will check it out.
I guess things are changing, faster than I realize and things will come together in their own time as they are meant to. Somethings cannot be forced into existence, but, slowly chiseled away at until we see the result of our creation.