Being worthy

I know that it has been a number of weeks since I wrote. Things at my day job have taken their toll and I found that although I could write in the mornings on the way to work, I was so exhausted by the time that I got home that all I wanted to do is eat and go to bed. Not that very exciting I know.

What this last month has really forced me to look at, is how I really want to live my life. I was attending a school where one focused on alternative health with the idea that I could eventually open a business to fund my writing. What has indirectly occurred is that the school and its work load (and my day job) took over and whatever writing plans I might have had got confused and lost and, now, I am really trying to figure out what I want to do. I do not regret my time in the school though because it taught me a lot about things that I am interested in and I have a feeling that it will be used in my writing. Perhaps, I will write articles on alternative health for people. Perhaps, I will write characters in books who know about herbal healing and mystical cures. But, right now, I am just trying to get to the idea that I am a writer.

I am also trying to get to the idea that I am worthy of getting money for being a writer – to take myself seriously enough to ask the government for money so that I can take sometime off my day job and focus on my writing. I have taken this week off work to get grounded enough to focus on what my steps are going to be. I keep saying that I am going to do something, but then I don’t do anything (or, for an over achiever as myself appears to be doing nothing.) Perhaps, I was creating the vision, the new vision, in my mind’s eye and now it is time to put some of these ideas into action.

So, I went on a number of writing websites yesterday afternoon and also looked at what kinds of bursaries and awards were available for budding writers such as myself. It appeared that I missed a deadline for one, but there was another for early next year which looks promising. I don’t know exactly how much money it would entail, but it would be a possibility of getting some alternative form of income while I focused on writing.

But, what I also noticed was my reaction to some of the grandeur awards. There I was looking at some of those who have won the prestigious writing awards and realized not only how much I had put these writer’s as mentors (which cannot necessarily be a bad thing) but also how much I don’t feel worthy to be in their company. How can I possibly live on the same plain of existence as those who have won the GG? Well, maybe I am not there yet, but perhaps someday I might be. But, with the negative attitude that I seem to have over my own self writing worth, it would seem that I have a long way to go.

How do I get to a place where I value my own writing worth? My mind is silent. My heart waits for an answer.


About Melanie J. Fishbane

My novel, MAUD: A Novel Inspired by the Life of L.M. Montgomery was published in 2017 through Penguin Random House on April 25, 2017. I hold an MFA in Writing for Children and Young Adults from the Vermont College of Fine Arts. Here I talk about my writing process, things I love, and creative people who inspire me.
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