Being worthy

I know that it has been a number of weeks since I wrote. Things at my day job have taken their toll and I found that although I could write in the mornings on the way to work, I was so exhausted by the time that I got home that all I wanted to do is eat and go to bed. Not that very exciting I know.

What this last month has really forced me to look at, is how I really want to live my life. I was attending a school where one focused on alternative health with the idea that I could eventually open a business to fund my writing. What has indirectly occurred is that the school and its work load (and my day job) took over and whatever writing plans I might have had got confused and lost and, now, I am really trying to figure out what I want to do. I do not regret my time in the school though because it taught me a lot about things that I am interested in and I have a feeling that it will be used in my writing. Perhaps, I will write articles on alternative health for people. Perhaps, I will write characters in books who know about herbal healing and mystical cures. But, right now, I am just trying to get to the idea that I am a writer.

I am also trying to get to the idea that I am worthy of getting money for being a writer – to take myself seriously enough to ask the government for money so that I can take sometime off my day job and focus on my writing. I have taken this week off work to get grounded enough to focus on what my steps are going to be. I keep saying that I am going to do something, but then I don’t do anything (or, for an over achiever as myself appears to be doing nothing.) Perhaps, I was creating the vision, the new vision, in my mind’s eye and now it is time to put some of these ideas into action.

So, I went on a number of writing websites yesterday afternoon and also looked at what kinds of bursaries and awards were available for budding writers such as myself. It appeared that I missed a deadline for one, but there was another for early next year which looks promising. I don’t know exactly how much money it would entail, but it would be a possibility of getting some alternative form of income while I focused on writing.

But, what I also noticed was my reaction to some of the grandeur awards. There I was looking at some of those who have won the prestigious writing awards and realized not only how much I had put these writer’s as mentors (which cannot necessarily be a bad thing) but also how much I don’t feel worthy to be in their company. How can I possibly live on the same plain of existence as those who have won the GG? Well, maybe I am not there yet, but perhaps someday I might be. But, with the negative attitude that I seem to have over my own self writing worth, it would seem that I have a long way to go.

How do I get to a place where I value my own writing worth? My mind is silent. My heart waits for an answer.

Advertisements

About Melanie J. Fishbane

MAUD, my YA novel based on the teen life of author L.M. Montgomery will be published by Penguin Random House on April 25, 2017. I hold an MFA in Writing for Children and Young Adults from the Vermont College of Fine Arts. Here I talk about my writing process, things I love, and creative people who inspire me.
This entry was posted in Writing Life. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s